


No Regrets

by Heliocat, MizukiPerry



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Bad Ending, Break Up, Heartache, Heartbreak, M/M, Moving On, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Regret, Separations, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27292708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heliocat/pseuds/Heliocat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizukiPerry/pseuds/MizukiPerry
Summary: Collaboration fic based on the song 'No Regrets' by Robbie Williams.MizukiPerry brings us the first chapter from the perspective of Ash, and Heliocat brings up the rear with a second chapter about Eiji.After two years of radio silence, Ash realises how much of an idiot he has been. He regrets not contacting his soulmate, and attempts to rekindle their friendship. Eiji, meanwhile, has grappled with several dark emotions these last two years, and has struggled to get his life back on track. Things are finally starting to look up for him, when Ash returns to his life.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Okumura Eiji/Original Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	1. Ash by MizukiPerry

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly, we want to say... AshxEiji is our OTP forever and always. Heliocat would even go so far as to add Shorter for an OT3. Writing this fic hurt us almost as much as it will probably hurt you, but we got inspiration from an old Robbie song we both love and this was born.
> 
> MizukiPerry: Never mind no regrets - I have many!  
> Heliocat: I don't. I am a terrible person.  
> MizukiPerry: You made me cry! I love this OTP and we just wrecked it.  
> Heliocat: I repeat: I am a terrible person.
> 
> We both use British English spelling and grammar throughout. And Banana Fish is the creation of Akimi Yoshida - this is a work of fanfiction, so we own none of the intellectual property. Lyrics liberally used from 'No Regrets' belong to Robbie Williams and his old songwriter, Guy Chambers. 
> 
> First chapter was written by MizukiPerry, from the perspective of Ash.

It's often said that hearing is the last thing to go when someone's dying. Certainly, after Ash passed out, sitting in Eiji's chair in the library, clutching Eiji's letter, he heard the lady say that he couldn't sleep there. He definitely heard the person asking why there was a trail of blood, and then the scream when they realised it was coming from him. He heard the panic of someone shouting, "Call nine one one!!" and the commotion that followed.

The last thing he heard before completely losing consciousness was a paramedic shouting, "Sir! Can you hear me, sir?"

He didn't know what happened between then and him waking up in intensive care a few days later. Yes, Lao missed his vital organs, but it was still a fatal blow, or so he thought it was. He wasn't supposed to make it. He was supposed to die, and he was supposed to die finally knowing what it was to be loved, what it was to be free.

And then he woke up. He was actually disappointed.

"Well, now what?" Max asked him one day while visiting him in hospital. Ash had asked himself the same question many times during his recovery. He still didn't know. For the first time in his life he had options, but after living under other people's expectations and wants and needs for so long, he didn't know what to do with them. He loved Eiji, so the draw to leave it all behind and follow him to Japan once he was recovered was incredibly strong. But this was the one option he was sure to discard, as he realised even with Dino Golzine gone, people still wanted Ash dead. He'd killed Lao, but he couldn't be sure that anyone else wouldn't be after him - in revenge for Lao now as well as Shorter. It was safer and better for him to keep Eiji safe and out of this life by not having trouble chase him to Japan.

He remembered all those warnings people gave him about Eiji, but he had thought from the outside they were good for each other. Eiji gained so much by being with Ash, and went back to Japan a stronger person. Eiji, meanwhile, taught Ash how to be; nothing in particular, but just be.

But then, Eiji was reckless and impulsive, and he was already a target to get to Ash. His impulses just made it easier for him to be captured. For Ash too, in a very selfish way, Eiji made him drop his guard because he always felt so safe around him. He made him feel like he could be a normal person. And that dropping of his guard got him into trouble too many times. It nearly got him killed.

He wasn't a normal person. It would be too dangerous for the two of them to be with each other again. It was much better for Eiji to live his life without him, and for Ash to live his life without Eiji.

Max thought he was an idiot. His gang thought he was an idiot. That idiot Sing thought he was an idiot. Ash himself thought he was an idiot, and he questioned his decision constantly. It hurt him to be away from Eiji. He'd never known real love before; he didn't know it could hurt so much. Everyone thought he'd lost his mind. If he had then it was because he freely gave it away; his logical brain told him it was the best way.

The guys told him each time a letter from Eiji arrived for him, and they often read their own ones out to him. He listened, feigning disinterest, but was internally screaming. How could he carry on doing this? After a few months it was plainly obvious that things were much safer, and he could involve Eiji in his life again without too much danger, but it had been months since he last talked to him. He'd once tried to call, but hung up before the phone was answered. He tried writing a letter of his own, but everything he said sounded stupid. How was he supposed to just reinsert himself into Eiji's consciousness when he hadn't said anything for so long? Sure, he could have just replied to one of Eiji's letters but, in the end, old habits die hard and, while things were currently relatively stable with the gangs, he never knew when they'd get bad again.

He told his guys to throw Eiji's letters to him into the bin, then he'd secretly retrieve when no one was around. Eventually, the letters became less frequent. The guys stopped replying to Eiji, and he stopped writing to them. He continued writing to Ash for a while longer though. Their bond still holding as strong as they would allow.

Gang life continued. There were a few turf wars now and then, but nothing that got too out of hand. Bones got into trouble for trying to extort protection money from businesses in the wrong area, but Ash and Cain managed to smooth things over with their respective gangs before anyone got fatally wounded. Then Max got a job for the New York Post and offered Ash a job as his assistant.

It was only the second time in his life that he saw a way out of gang life so, this time, he took it. He thought he could write a letter to Eiji as a piece of good news, with his first article with his name in the byline in the envelope. But it had been a whole year, and it would be completely big headed of him to send him an article he wrote. Almost like saying, ‘look how much of a big deal I am, this is why I haven't written to you’. So, he said nothing still, and got on with his work.

He stayed with the gang for a few months to help Alex run things, before leaving and moving in to his own apartment on Long Island. He took the box of Eiji's letters with him. When Sing asked Ash if he wanted him to tell Eiji of his change of address, Ash screamed internally, 'YES! Please!' but all he did was shrug.

When his first letter turned up at his new apartment he was initially elated as Sing came through. But then his shoulders slumped. He hadn't read any of Eiji's letters thus far, so what was he supposed to do with the new one? He put the letter in with the others in his box.

"I spoke to Ibe this morning," Max told him when he was round for dinner one night. "Eiji's back at college. He's studying photography." Ash nodded, but said nothing. "He said he's having some trouble making close friends because everyone is so much younger than him, but he seems happier overall. He asked after you again…" Ash nodded again and helped himself to more potatoes, infuriating his older friend. "Really Ash? You not gonna say anything about this? It's been 18 months since he left and you have nothing to say?"

Ash stared at Max. "What do you want me to say?"

"Show some fucking interest!" Max roared at him, slamming his fist down on the table, scaring Michael, who jumped and hid under the table. Jessica rolled her eyes, and asked Max to calm down. "I will not calm down! I've fucking had it with you! You two had something special and yet you're acting like he meant nothing to you! Eighteen months and he's still asking after you! Can't you see how much you still mean to him?!"

Ash wanted to explode! He wanted to tell him Eiji meant everything to him, that he hated every minute of every day that he wasn't with him, and it crushed him constantly that he made this stupid fucking decision and that it was too late to back out now!

Wasn't it?

He left, but it wasn't ‘til he was home that he cried, and cried, and cried. Tears that wanted to fall for years finally fell and he mourned what felt like the end of his relationship and, worse, it was his fault. Eiji had tried! And it was Ash who didn't do anything about it! "You fucking idiot!" He yelled at himself, and then he fell into a heap on the floor, and lay there, body wracked with sobs, gasping for breath, wishing that he had his soulmate with him, as he had done so many times before, letting him know that things would be ok.

"I did this to myself," he wheezed, trying to catch his breath through the sobs, "I did this to myself, I did this to myself," he repeated over and over, until he'd exhausted himself. He fell into an uneasy sleep.

Things didn't feel any better over the next few months, but he managed to get on with his life, immersing himself in his work, as well as arguing about assignments with Max. They didn't mention Eiji again for some time, until Max mentioned that The Post was looking to run a story about Japanese tourism and he'd recommended Ibe as the photographer. He had been chosen out of all the contenders for the job, and he was going to use Eiji as his assistant again.

Max didn't say any more, no further update, no Eiji asking after Ash. Nothing.

Then he realised he hadn't had a letter from Eiji in several months.

When he returned home, he opened the box that held the dozens of letters he'd received from Eiji over the last couple of years, and tipped them out on to the floor. As he went through the envelopes, he noticed one in particular was thicker than the others. The date stamp on it showed it was only a week or so after he returned to Japan.

He physically shook as he held the letter in his hand, his heart threatening to thump its way out of his chest, and he felt so hot all of a sudden. But it was time. He'd gone on ignoring these letters long enough. With an unsteady hand, he opened the envelope, and tipped out a letter and several photographs. Straight away he could see that they were the photos Ibe had taken of him, Eiji and Shorter on their 'road trip' to Cape Cod and LA. They were laughing, running and playing stupid games on the beach. There was one of Ash giving Eiji a piggyback, another of Eiji trying and failing to give Ash a piggyback, and one of the three of them piling on each other. They were smiling, laughing, happy. When was the last time Ash had smiled?

When he thought he was dying.

He started reading the letters. They were long at first, gushing about how much he loved him and missed him, some with more photos of them all; then they became less regular, still about how much he missed him, but asking why he hadn't heard from him. And then eventually, they became angry. More tears fell as he read the words, the upset and exasperation from Eiji that Ash hadn't written back. Didn't he love him? Didn't he think it was worth even saying hello? Letting him know he was alive? Wasn't he at least worthy of that?

The final letter broke him. It wasn't because Eiji said that he can't keep up writing to him while getting nothing back, nor was it that he told him that he was finally doing what Ash wanted by leaving him alone. It was that he doubted that his soul was with Ash in the first place.

Did that mean he didn't love him after all? That what they had wasn't special? Of course it had been! Eiji meant everything to him and this was killing him! But this was his own doing, wasn't it? This is all he'd left Eiji with... Bitter feelings following two years of neglect of their relationship on his part. And if his soul never was with Ash in the first place, then the idea that they could be together was always just a fantasy.

_‘NO!’_

No, he couldn't let it end like this. He had to do something. He fucked up and needed to put it right. Eiji had clearly moved on, but to think that what they had wasn't special at all? No. It was! He needed him to know that and to know how sorry he was.

Before he knew what he was doing, he booked a return flight to Japan for a few hours’ time. After stuffing some things in a duffel bag and booking a hotel, he was out the door.

The journey to Izumo took forever. The whole time he was thinking about what to say when he got there. He thought he had done the right thing by not keeping in touch; he'd figured it would allow him to get on with his life without the danger of Ash's issues getting in the way. But most of all, he just wanted to apologise for treating him and their relationship so badly since Eiji left. Sorry for hurting him, sorry for making him so angry. Sorry for making him question their relationship.

Eiji was his soulmate; he knew he'd never meet anyone like him again.

He didn't bother checking into the hotel first. He'd arrived in Izumo just after lunchtime so, despite the horrendous jetlag, he went straight to the university Max said he attended. He figured he'd try his luck while he had the momentum. Despite the cool weather, he found himself sweating out of nervousness. Yes, he'd thought of what to say, but he didn't know how he would feel when he finally saw him in person again for the first time in two years.

But he got his answer as he locked eyes with him over the quad. The rush of love was as if he'd fallen in love with him for the first time again. His beautiful dark brown hair that waved in the breeze that caused him to huddle down into this thick woolen scarf, his elegantly long fingers that had been clicking about his camera, and those gorgeous chocolate brown wide eyes that, currently, had the expression of a deer caught in the headlights as he jumped up from the bench in shock. It almost made him chuckle. He walked towards him, hesitantly at first, gathering his wits and working on his first words to him. He opened his mouth to call his name-

"Eiji!" Ash heard someone else shout, and Eiji looked away from him to the source of the voice who bounded up to him jovially.

A stranger who kissed him.

Ash froze in place.

Eiji had moved on.

Ash could feel his heart break as he saw the other guy wrap his arm around his soulmate, talking in Japanese together. He looked at home, and comfortable, more secure than he'd ever seen him. Relaxed.

Happy.

Ash couldn't do it. He'd hurt him enough, that's why Eiji questioned their relationship. Eiji's soul should never have been with him if he could hurt him the way that he did. Thinking about it, the number of times he left Eiji to do his thing, not letting him know what was going on, the way he then clung to him for emotional support without really giving anything back... That's not a healthy relationship; that's toxic. And that was his doing. Eiji was not only better off without him, but had no need for any kind of apology. He'd already moved on. An apology now would mean absolutely jack shit to him. It was too late. If he wanted to prove he meant something to him then he should have done that years ago. All the love Eiji once had was officially dead.

With a sigh, Ash slumped his shoulders then, casting one more look at the two, he reverted to type and walked away.


	2. Eiji by Heliocat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MizukiPerry promises smut for her next fic.  
> Heliocat promises nothing, but probably more pain and suffering, and maybe some fluff?
> 
> Second chapter by Heliocat, from the perspective of Eiji

Eiji learned that sometimes friendships and relationships are born of convenience. Your friends are only your friends because you happen to be there. If you leave for long enough, those bonds will break and fade away. When he returned to Japan, in pain, a little scared and a lot depressed, it was to find that his old friends from school and college had already moved on. A fair-weather friendship simply cannot survive the march of time; they require work to maintain and, even then, a vicious gardener would have no qualms pruning that bond over something fickle like an argument or disagreement. Even his best friend through school and college, Akihito, had settled down with a girlfriend in another prefecture, and chatting with him had become weird and stilted. They had nothing to talk about any more. The only people who stuck by him when he came home were his family, who were tied to him by blood and duty, and Ibe, who had been with him in America.

It took him a few months to get his life back on track. First came the rehab at the hospital. Recovery from his gunshot wound was tediously slow, but day by day he improved. He healed from his physical wounds, but the mental scars would take much longer. Back at home, he renewed his friendship with his sister. They’d always been close, but if she wasn’t his sister then maybe she wouldn’t have bothered. He’d been out of contact for over a year, and it took a few awkward weeks of discovering each other’s new likes and hates before they settled back into their old love/hate sibling relationship. His sister had grown a lot in his time away, and was no longer the bratty kid he had left behind; she was a young woman now. In may ways, she was more mature than he was. She had her head screwed on right, and was forging a sensible path through life that wouldn’t leave disappointment strewn in its wake like his did. He always seemed to walk the difficult path.

Once he was fit again, he reapplied for college, choosing a different course to his previous sporty route. He studied photography, and made new friends amongst the art students. He was a naturally likeable and agreeable person, so surrounding himself with others came naturally and he thrived on the social interaction. It never took him long to make new friends. To anyone looking at him, he was a happy, well-adjusted individual, genuinely kind and affable, who crafted relationships with others easily. Deep down though, he knew that these people would likely move on someday too. That was life, but it was a lesson he learnt the hard way, and he never wanted to learn from his mistakes because the alternative was to be alone.

He tried to stay in contact with his American friends. He was determined to keep those bonds. If he knew their addresses, he would write. For a while, he got replies, but as time wore on the replies got fewer. First to stop writing was Bones, followed by Kong and Alex. He did still just about have contact with Sing, but the letters were getting shorter and were less friendship and more duty. Given a few years, it may be relegated to an annual Christmas letter just to touch base, or even completely stopped altogether.

He never received any replies from Ash.

That hurt most of all.

Friendships come and go, but he had thought they had something special. He’d never had a relationship like it before. He wasn’t certain what it was, couldn’t decide what their bond would be called. Love? Maybe. Soulmates? Possibly. In a normal situation, they would probably have started dating, but whether what they had was sexual desire or platonic companionship was hard to say. Intimacy born of necessity? Misplaced emotions or confused affections? Pity and intrigue and a mess of hormones and mental health issues drew them to each other like moths to a flame. All he knew is they were close, fates intertwined intimately, and he had left a valuable piece of himself back in America with the blonde, hoping he would reciprocate those feelings. For the first year, he wrote to him religiously, at first weekly, sending photographs and long letters documenting his every activity, then fortnightly, then less and less as he got nothing back and felt his heart break a little bit more each time.

To begin with, he’d been upset. This was expected – your best friend suddenly snubs you, naturally you’re going to get depressed about it, but he figured maybe Ash was busy. He’d always been beavering away with something or other, most things of which he didn’t understand, but he still made time for him each day, usually in the evening when they were alone. Where was that time now, when all he asked for was a little bit of correspondence to let him know he still cared, that he still thought about Eiji as much as Eiji thought about him. In tears, he’d find himself frequently worrying in the dark of night before he slept if Ash was alright; his thoughts would wander in the middle of the day to whether his life had improved; he’d randomly ponder if he was happy now he was free. He’d heard all about what had happened from Sing, after all. Had he settled down? Was he thriving without threat? Did he still have nightmares?

Did he even need him anymore?

The self-doubt crept in, tendrils of dark thoughts and bitterness curling around once happy memories. When you removed the rose-tinted glasses and looked over his time in America with a critical eye, Ash had been using him the whole time. Using his affection and support to satiate his selfish wants and desires, utilising his helpful and sometimes reckless behaviour in the beginning for his own devious ends. He was very good at reading people and twisting them to do what he wanted. Act a little slutty here, pretend to be your friend there; he was a master of manipulation. He’d pushed Eiji away several times when he wasn’t necessary or useful too, could be cruel and acted heartless, tactless, using words that cut deep. Eiji knew he was a burden at times, but… he figured they were still friends. He figured he was immune from just being used when it was convenient. He was there for him when his demons attacked him. He didn’t use him or abuse him or ask for anything he didn’t want to give like everyone else did. He thought he’d been a good friend, and that maybe what they had meant something.

He began to question this idea more and more. And as the months ticked by, the deep affection and love he had once felt started to warp into first annoyance, then resentment, and then hate.

He didn’t want to hate, but it was all Ash had left him with. A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of how things could have been.

He’d sent his last letter six months ago.

‘Remember the photographs we took, Ash? The ones where we all laughed? I loved being in America with you. I loved how we used to laugh and smile together. Every time you told me to leave, I just wanted to stay. I loved you. Even now, I still think about you often, but I think what we used to have has gone. You never write, or call, or make any effort to contact me at all, and I cannot keep this up. So, it is finally time, Ash. Time for me to say sayonara, not just to America, not just to New York… but you as well. My soul is no longer with you. I’m beginning to doubt if it ever was.’

He posted it and finally allowed himself to move on.

He met Kosuke just one week after mailing his goodbyes.

Kosuke McKenzie was half-Canadian. His father came from Toronto and until the age of 12 he had lived in Canada, meaning he spoke fluent English and his Japanese carried a weird accent that Eiji found endearing. He had dark brown hair that hung in his hazel eyes, was a little taller than him with a slim but muscular build, and seemed to live in neat flannel shirts. He was a year younger than him but, like Eiji, he was a mature student, studying literature. He’d taken a gap year to travel Europe and ‘find himself’, an unusual thing for a Japanese student to do, but Eiji wasn’t much different with his ad-hoc internship with Ibe in America. They met at a college mixer; they probably wouldn’t have interacted otherwise, but they were intrigued by each other and became very friendly very quickly. Kosuke was overjoyed when Eiji could pronounce his last name correctly, something a lot of Japanese people seemed to struggle with, calling him ‘Mukenshi’ instead. They’d started to speak in English and soon invented their own language somewhere between English and Japanese. Both of them had the strange feeling that they never truly belonged there, both being older and a little more world-weary than their teenage peers, and took comfort in each other’s similarities. Kosuke even had a Norinori keyring, which made Eiji squeal with delight and show off the matching one he had on his bag.

Kosuke had done track and field in high school as well, specialising in sprinting and hurdles. He hadn’t competed nationally though, and just did it for fun and fitness and to make friends and memories at school. His main passion had always been reading, but he was awed that Eiji had been a pole vaulter at a professional level. His team hadn’t even practiced pole vault because it was too dangerous. They found shared interest talking about the Olympics and athletes competing in the Asian tournaments though, and they would join each other for long distance runs at the college track, laughing and joking as they jogged along side by side, challenging each other to races.

While Eiji never really talked about Ash directly, he did tell Kosuke all about his time under the protection of a New York street gang. He told him how he and Ibe had accidentally gotten mixed up in a drug conspiracy, and how he’d helped the street kids and the press to uncover the truth and get the operation closed down. What started as a simple photojournalism expedition ended up being a full-on battle against organised crime. Kosuke had been very supportive of the whole thing, seeing how upset Eiji would get sometimes when he spoke about his experiences over there privately. Unlike his gap year, which had been full of eating weird European foods and skipping from homestay to homestay, meeting new people every week and diving head-first into culture shock, Eiji had been running and hiding and just trying to survive a lot of the time, often confused and afraid. He’d almost died several times, and had seen others die trying to protect him. It had caused him some pretty deep trauma and he admitted openly to having had imposter syndrome and feelings of inadequacy. Kosuke had held him as he cried, assuring him that he was a great and worthwhile person.

They’d shared their first kiss in Kosuke’s dorm room after one of these heart-to-hearts, Kosuke making the first move and Eiji greedily reciprocating. Neither of them especially craved sex, but he had missed intimacy, missed being close to someone and sharing everything. Kosuke was both supportive and affectionate. He never pushed him away, and he never felt inadequate next to him. Time with Kosuke usually left him feeling warm and fuzzy and happy, not full of pity or sorrow, or the niggling feeling he was in the way or being mocked for his cultural differences, treated like a child or someone weak and somehow inferior. He never felt angry or stupid when he was with him. They could both act themselves around each other, and every time he saw Kosuke he felt the joy radiating out of him, his face lit up in a beaming grin. He may not have been as classically beautiful as Ash was, but to Eiji he became more and more perfect every day.

That was when he realised; he thought about Kosuke a lot more now than he thought about Ash. Kosuke was the one invading all his waking thoughts and strolling lightly through his dreams like a zephyr.

His mental health improved. His mind cleared of the dark fog he hadn’t even realised had descended. He started to see the world in a far brighter light, the sun having risen from the murky dawn Ash seemed to inhabit and into a whole new day full of light and hope. They officially started dating, holding hands as they walked around the campus, basking in each other’s glow, talking to each other happily about how they would travel the world after college, Eiji taking photos and Kosuke absorbing different cultures like a sponge to use for his writing.

His relationship with Ash, he finally decided, had been toxic to him. He had clung to it for so long, poisoning himself in the process, kidding himself that maybe the selfish yankee felt the same way about him. Kosuke acted like a balm, healing the wounds, replacing the rage and resentment with calm and acceptance and, finally, forgiveness. Ash had been a product of his upbringing and circumstances, and they had just been incompatible from the beginning. He didn’t regret his time in America. He didn’t regret meeting Ash. He didn’t regret staying with him or even formally breaking away from his influence. He still pitied him his past, and he wanted him to be happy, but he no longer loved him.

The final nail in the coffin came in autumn. He was sat on a bench in the quad, fiddling with the settings on his camera. He was meeting Kosuke here soon, his boyfriend agreeing to help him take photographs of the gingko and maple planted around the campus in their resplendent shades of red and gold. Ibe had taken him on as an assistant again, the older man having been given an assignment from the New York Post of all places, to take some photos highlighting Japanese tourism through the seasons. He was hoping to impress the professional with some of his own photos of Japan in the autumn, and had excitedly highlighted his plans to Kosuke about macro shots of leaves and colourful boulevards of fallen foliage. He could double it up as a college assignment, creating a whole portfolio of photographs of various deciduous trees and beautiful scenery. He shivered as a cool wind blew, shrugging his shoulders and snuggling his head down into the thick woollen scarf he had wound around his neck. He looked up, and his eyes met an eerily familiar pair of jade green orbs staring back at him.

_‘Ash?’_

It couldn’t be. It had to be a foreign student, just a blonde who looked like Ash. He was in a cream Burberry duffle coat, shaggy hair being ruffled lightly by the breeze. Surprised, Eiji blinked, cursing his short-sightedness; he’d left his glasses at home, so his vision wasn’t as clear as it could be, squinting across the quad. The foreign person walked nearer, tentatively, hesitantly, like he was holding back on running over, uncertain what exactly to do. With a flash of recognition, he discerned that it was, in fact, Ash Lynx, American gang leader, eyeing him up with a strange, almost wistful expression from across the quad. Eiji stood up from the bench, staring back at him, a little confused, maybe even a little scared. Why was he here? Why now? What was he doing walking back into his life like this? Ash opened his mouth as if he was about to speak.

At that moment, Kosuke appeared, lolloping towards him with his casual stride.

“Eiji!” he called out, leaning down and giving him a peck on the cheek, snapping Eiji out of his reverie. He smiled up at his boyfriend warmly.

“Hi Ko-chan,” he greeted him, using his preferred pet name. “How was class?”

“Professor set us more Sōuseki to read,” he said, wrinkling his nose cutely. “Always Sōuseki with him – first ‘I Am A Cat’, now ‘Kokoro’. At least ‘Kokoro’ isn’t a brick like ‘Cat’ was – that took forever to read!”

“He is the Japanese Hemingway,” Eiji said with a chuckle. His eyes naturally flicked back to Ash at that statement, still struggling to gauge the expression the American wore. He appeared oddly neutral, but Ash was very good at hiding his feelings behind a mask. He had stopped approaching him, had frozen about 20 metres away mid-step when he’d seen Kosuke kiss him.

“Quite possibly,” Kosuke nodded. He placed an arm around Eiji, his hand resting on the small of his back. “Anyway, where did you want to go for these photos? There were some pretty good trees over by the track.”

“Sounds good to me,” Eiji replied. He watched as Ash silently turned and walked away without speaking, his shoulders hunched dejectedly. He instinctively knew that he would never see him again. He vanished from his life entirely without saying a word, disappearing around the corner of the campus building. Eiji wondered if he should chase after him, but…

“You okay, Eiji? You seem distracted.”

“Hmm? No, I’m fine,” he told Kosuke. “It’s nothing. Just thought I saw someone I once knew, but I was mistaken.”

The old Eiji would not have hesitated to have given chase. The old Eiji would have followed Ash to the ends of the Earth, into Hell and back if necessary. But the current Eiji had managed to drag himself out of despair, clawing his way from the darkness and hobbling down a long road to recovery alone. The Eiji of now had a stable life, a wonderful boyfriend, and was finally feeling happy for the first time in several years. The urge to chase that which continually ran away and perplexed him had passed. When he thought about Ash, he found he felt nothing. Ash was a ghost of his past, and there was no longer room for him in his life. Before, his heart would have quickened, beating in anxiety. Right now, it was still, calm and passive. He thought he'd feel sad, that maybe the regrets would come now Ash was finally here, but he’d already said goodbye and moved on months ago.

 _‘I guess the love we one had is officially dead,’_ he thought, before walking off with Kosuke to take his autumn photographs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive us, but we'll understand if you can't <3 All Kudos and comments gladly received; please direct all flames to the comments section. We'll probably agree with you.
> 
> Also, Happy Halloween!


End file.
